BABYTALK
A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

COLD CREAM
Little Billy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Billy. "Giving up?"

HEAVIER
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

ELDERLY WIDOW
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

TEMPERAMENTAL
My girlfriend is temperamental—90% temper and 10% mental.

SCATTERED ASHES
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

OUTHOUSE
A boy is waiting for the school bus and decides to push over the outhouse. When he gets home his father is waiting for him, belt in hand. He says, "Son, did you push over the outhouse?" The son replies, Well, Dad, we learned about George Washington in school today and like him I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I pushed over the outhouse." The father says, "You do realize you're going to be punished now, right?" The son protests, "But Dad, when George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, he didn't get punished!His father replies, Well, George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree.

CONFUSION
Q: How do you confuse a liberal?
A: You can't. They're born that way.

PARTY GIRL
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about three months ago." John says, "Susan? About three months ago?" Susan says, "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John says, "Oh, yeah. Susan! How are you?" Susan replies, "I'm pregnant by you and I'm going to kill myself." John says, "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

DROWNING LAWYER
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

BAR ENCOUNTER
A guy sees a gal in a bar. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye, and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

LOST POWER
Q: How did the electrician lose all the power in his home?
A: He got married.

TEQUILA
A man picks up a lamp lying in the street. Out pops a genie that offers him one wish. "I wish for tequila whenever I want it," the man says. "Make me pee tequila!" The genie grants the wish and when the man gets home he urinates in a glass. It's the best tequila he has ever tasted. The man convinces his wife to drink a glass, and she loves it. So, he sets out two glasses and fills them with tequila. The two drink all night. The next night, the man tells his wife, "Grab one glass and we'll drink tequila." "Why only one glass?" she asks. "Because tonight," the man replies, "you drink straight from the bottle."

COFFEE TOGETHER
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are. The first mother says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second mother says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle, "Well?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. When he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'"

ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are interesting. Twenty-five percent of women think their ass is too fat, and 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The other 65% say they don't care—they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

STOP OR SLOW DOWN
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief, claming he did, in fact, stop. After several minutes, the cop explains to the man that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The man says, "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?" The cop promptly pulls the guy out of the car and hits him with a nightstick for about a minute and then says, "Would you like me to stop or just slow down?"

SHOPLIFTING
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied six. The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail." Just as the judge was about to use his gavel, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

BIG FEET
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"

EVER DONE THAT
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to make love. When they were finished, she discovered there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Well, I masturbated with them." Later, she approached one of her male friends and told him the story. She asked, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

A PILL A DAY
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

WEDDING BAND
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

GASPING
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

WILD LIFE
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me." "Big deal!'' says the chicken. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet craps itself."

AT THE DOOR
One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off. The woman wanted to make conversation as the two drank their hot chocolate, so she asked the Jehovah's Witness, "So, what's the message you're passing along?'" The girl stuttered and said, "I'm not sure. I never got this far."

KILLING THEIR MATES
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

AUSSIE KISS
Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

SHARING A ROOM
A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in a small town. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's all right." "Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman." "Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little redheaded schoolteacher."

PREGNANT PAUSE
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you a question." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

DRUMMER
Q: How do you get a drummer off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

MISSING WIFE
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month," the man replies. "Why did you wait so long to report it?" "Well," says the man, "until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."

RISKY WHISKEY
A guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?" The woman replies, "No, they open."

LITTLE GENTLEMAN
Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy. "But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap." 




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